“Quit Feeling Sorry For Yourself”

I was at lunch the other day with a group of friends from my Bible study and we were talking about the challenges of raising teenage girls these days. I have a 12 soon to be 13 year old daughter, and let me tell you. Nothing will humble you faster. The days of me thinking “my child would never” have long left me. I cannot and will not judge a soul.

As we laughed and talked about what we’re learning in the study, I received a text from the mom of one of daughter’s friends and it simply said “Can we talk today, mom to mom?” Well, I don’t know about you but a text like that makes my heart pound and my stomach drop like I’m at the top of a roller coaster I regret riding and it’s too late. You know the feeling … the slow ticking and clicking to the top, while you wait for the impending doom of your internal organs while you rapdily plunge to the bottom.

This school year (7th grade) has not been the easiest as I’ve watched my sweet daughter navigate some fairly tricky social situations and land herself in a modest amount of “trouble” at school. This has sent me into a bit of a tailspin as a mother, questioning all my choices, trying to navigate a tricky landscape of self-doubt. Which I had plenty of, pretty much my entire life.

This is due to largely to the not-so-wonderful parenting I received as a child of the 90’s with two very immature (and yes, narcissistic) parents who made no attempt to know me let alone let me know myself. The parenting I received was overly harsh, emotionally reactionary, and steeped in their own lack of maturity and self-acceptance. Grace? Forget about it. There was no space to understand and process my own emotions let alone express them, or receive grace when I had a behavioral “moment”.

When I was sad or disappointed, I was told to “quit feeling sorry for myself”, and to “get over it” immediately. (These are just a few examples courtesy of my mother). She was basically saying, ‘just quit feeling. I can’t process my own emotions, so your emotions are definitely too much for me’.

I think this kind of upbringing is generationally handed down. Sharp, jagged and pointy as a saw blade, and unrelentingly violent in it’s effect on a developing teen girl’s nervous system and world view. It causes deep emotional scars that leave one feeling unloved, unwanted, and “too much”. Which leads to a lack of self-trust (implicitly creating an inner dialog of … Is this safe to share? Is this a big enough deal for me to be upset?), and it therefore leads to a lack of trust in others. Why share anything if you’re going to be dismissed or criticized if you do? It causes a person to shut off their feelings, have no feelings, and no needs while turmoil and resentment build. It can ultimately lead to a life of isolation for fear of letting anyone in because it’s too dangerous to be vulnerable.

While other kids were able to share their feelings with their moms and receive a listening ear, wise counsel and a hug, this harshness was my reality. I was so jealous of other kids then, and eventually I became jealous of other adults. Especially after my kids were born and my friends’ mothers were so present, engaged, and available during this tender time, both physically and emotionally to help them with whatever they needed.

….A break from the chaos for a few hours? You got it, I’ll be right over!

… A trip out of town with your husband to rest and reconnect? No problem, we’ll watch them!

… Help around the house to help with errands, cooking, cleaning? I’d love to!

I never got any of these things, and it’s the exact opposite of how I set out to raise my own kids. A good goal, right? You can clap now. Lynsie set a good goal.

Well the challenge is, the nervous system and the deep network of neural pathways were pretty darn wired to avoid pain in the brain since before my conscious memories even began. In other words, I was feeling and reacting to my environment in ways I didn’t always perceive or understand. And so I set about getting the healing I desperately needed so I could stop toxic generational patterns.

So how does one fix this?

Well, there are many ways available. My childhood was pretty much a series of traumas (Complex PTSD), and there are many modalities of healing available. I’ve tried many including talk therapy, EMDR, reading a whole bunch, coaching, praying, meditation, and spending time in God’s word.

The thing that’s helped me the most is studying God’s word, praying, and life coaching with a trusted Christian coach.

This is what inspired me to use my pain for God’s purpose and become a Certified Christian Life Coach specializing in helping others find emotional freedom, peace, and truth after narcissistic abuse. I truly believe the truth of God’s Word is the key in understanding and recovering from the effects of childhood trauma. In my coaching practice, I use a combination of proven psychological research to help my clients understand their experience from a psychological and emotional perspective and marry it with what the Bible tells us. It’s been extraordinarily beneficial to me and I just have to share it with you.

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Blessings,

Lynsie